Christmas + Plant

[coniurati]

GREAT NEWS GUYS! It's the season of giving, and the scientists are feeling especially giving this Christmas.


On Christmas Eve at around noon EST, your local gals Loli, Ace, and Green will be passing out some absolutely craptastic fabulous little trees to anyone who wants one to put in their apartment/room/cubbard/hole in the ground! These trees will all be fake trees and have just a few colorful ornaments on them. For you selfish bastards who are thinking "BUT THAT'S NOT A REAL TREEEEEEE WE NEED IT BIGGEEERRRRRRR", never fear. Once all the minatures trees have all been handed out, the three will make their way Horizon Park where a very large, very real tree has suddenly appeared. The scientists will be working on these well into the night, and are inviting anyone to join in decorating with lights and ornaments (which again will be limited to colorful balls and tinsel). Just be sure to behave yourselves--the scientists don't want you busting their balls. At around 9 PM EST, the girls will finally place the star on the top and the tree will be complete!

Oh, but that's not all. For those of you who have decided to accept the little trees, you will find a full stocking either hanging near it or sitting under it on Christmas morning. By stocking, I mean all of your gifts will literall be stuffed inside a white tube sock including--you guessed it!--MORE SOCKS. Also in your stockings will be a few other nice treats; candy canes, small chocolates, packaged foods, pens, small toys for children, gloves, underwear (YOU NEED THIS DON'T DENY IT),  and other winter neccessities will also be stuffed inside. If you have any questions about the contents of the stockings, don't hesitate to ask!

You think you're done? Not quite. Lucky you, you get one more gift! Older residents may remember how they were given pretty little goldfish last year for Christmas. Yeah. The good news is that you will also be getting a fish this year in rather large buckets. The bad news is it isn't as pretty as you would hope. FUN FACTS ABOUT THIS FISH THAT I MADE UP BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS MUCH ABOUT THE ACTUAL FISH SPECIES, SO WE'LL JUST PRETEND IT'S A DISCEDO NATIVE THAT BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO OUR DEEP SEA FISH: it's a fairly large fish at about 15 lbs, but it doesn't have much muscle on it. However, the fish is rich in fatty acids and tastes a little like bass with the texture of Jell-O, so it's quite edible if you want to stomach this thing. If you decide to let it live and put it in a bigger tank, it will mostly just bob around on the bottom. Should you take it out of the water, the fish will start making a very low croaking noise that sounds like the name "Bob" being said over and over again.

Summary: THE FISH ARE UGLY BUT YOU CAN EAT THEM YAY.

For those of you who are still paying attention, I'll take the opportunity to talk about those mysterious plant seeds in the crackers. You know, those crackers we've been talking about all week. Yeah. For those of you picking the plant seeds, here's the end result:



PRETTY, RITE?

Well, it's more than just pretty. It's one hardcore tree... thing. These plants actually DON'T need soil to survive. Nope, they can burrow their roots into solid rock. This is good news for you, because now a native species can actually flourish in the soil once again! Now you may be thinking "wtf is the use of a bunch of trees?" The good news is that I make up facts about wildlife like nothing else these trees are like freaking bamboo. They don't take very long to grow and they can be planted just about anywhere, and these trees actually bear fruit! Nothing sweet, unfortunately, but it'll taste pretty much like avacado with a very, very faint hint of tangerine. The bad news is that these trees are only in bloom a few weeks out of the year in the spring and then they resume life being giant hunks of wood that look like elephant legs with cancer.

SO THERE'S YOUR AWESOME PLANT. ENJOY YOUR MADE-UP NATURE THAT'S BASED ON REAL, FREAKISH NATURE.

Oh my god I need sleep why am I still awake.